The Devil
by DarkSecrets666
Summary: 'He comes as everything you have ever wished for. He will make you love him, succumb to him, want him and need him, and then he will destroy you utterly when you are at your most vulnerable' Sorry I haven't been on much but I thought this might make up for it x
1. The Devil

I stood in the doorway, looking at my eternal butler as he poured nothing into my tea cup. It was just a comforting ritual now, just a way of taking up time. We had so much of it now. He noticed my presence and looked up at me. No doubt he already knew I was there but he pretended to be human to make me feel comfortable around him and part of me was thankful for that. I approached and sat down at the desk before sipping the make-believe tea. Silence rested between us but it was no longer tense and awkward. We understood now the price of one another's company and the price of our mistakes and there was no point in being angry at each other anymore. Our rage had died down into a tranquil companionship and I found myself feeling content with the arrangement. Contentment, however, was a long shot away from happiness.

I had not the will to be happy or to find the shred of happiness that could lead me to my own form of heaven. To be happy was to leave Sebastian and find a life with someone who could love me. It was a child's dream but I am an eternal child. Even so...leaving Sebastian was something I could never do. Of course I could order him away or leave and never return, I know I could but I also knew I couldn't. Only one thing stopped me and another stopped me from admitting it. I love him.

Sad, isn't it?

I could not bring myself to love Lizzy in the way she deserved from her betrothed, nor could I care much for my servants or the pawns I put into play. I cared not for those who died because of me or for me and I hated nearly every eligible woman who would have killed to be my wife but...in the end it was a demon who claimed my affections, who cared for me and saved me from the monsters that haunted my nightmares. It was always Sebastian. He was the angel from my nightmares, the shadow in the background of the morgue while I was his unsuspecting victim. I should have known, I did know he could never feel anything for me except hunger.

He was everything I could have wanted. He was obedient but he challenged my authority, sought to defy me any way he could. He was a challenge and I liked that. He was handsome, almost kind in his own way and had the oddest sense of humour, a humour I understood and even found hilarious myself on more than one occasion. He was perfection.

I soon found that the devil doesn't come clad in a red cape with pointed horns like some deformed Count Dracula...he comes as everything you have ever wished for. He will make you love him, succumb to him, want him and need him, and then he will destroy you utterly when you are at your most vulnerable.

And you will love him still.


	2. The Demon

Silence.

It was something surprisingly loud for something so soundless. Like an endless scream that echoed through the empty corridors and filled up every gap in the large house we inhabited. The silence became deafening almost as if there was a higher sound frequency clawing at my ears. Music didn't help. It only succeed in making this bare house seem emptier. Only Sebastian and I wandered these halls and only I used the time to try and feel at home. It was an impossibility of course; it wasn't the Phantomhive estate and it never would be.

I found that it was cold at night. It was all in my head really, as a demon I was no longer effected by the sensation of hot and cold. Neither really bothered me anymore but...the cold half of my bed did bother me much more than I care to admit. I never sleep on the right side of the bed and I wished I had someone willing to fill it up, to lie with me if only for a short while. Like a child, I wanted someone to hold me and, like a human, I want Sebastian to make love to me.

It hurt when Sebastian made a point to show me how little he cared. He didn't even tuck me in at night anymore and I felt so alone, so lost. He was no longer angry at me but somehow this was worse. He barely acknowledged me. He let it be known that I was little more than a nuisance to him.

It wasn't like I hadn't expected this. Sebastian had tried to kill me when I became a demon and I knew then how little I was worth to him now. Without an accessible soul to give me value, his interest in me withered and died, crumbling into tiny pieces like my heart every time he told me how much he loathed me without uttering even a single word.

Years passed and decades rolled by and my love for him remained, constantly aching in my chest with every heartbeat, with every breath I took. I lived in agony and I had little to distract myself from the pain that would forever throb in my chest.

Every now and again, I would see people we once knew; I saw Grelle at some point and William T. Spears. I frequently saw Undertaker when I wandered back to London and he laughed at me as soon as he saw me. It stung at what was left of my pride but I said nothing, not bothering to express any kind of anger or annoyance. Undertaker's laughter died down at my lack of response and he just looked at me for a while. "Oh," was all he mustered up. "hee hee..." he giggled. "We've all been there, my young lord." he poked my cheek. "it's a funny business, that of a certain little muscle beating in your chest."

I looked at him, glared actually. "What would you know of it?"

He grinned knowingly and that infuriated me but I had not the energy so I proceeded down the path, heading to the flat Sebastian and I were renting.

"You can't ignore it forever, Earl!" Undertaker called after me. "Unreturned love can kill a demon. It might take a few centuries but It'll happen."

I didn't respond, partially relieved by those words. They were the only comfort I had to hold onto now.

Once in the shabby flat I called a temporary home, I sat by the window as I usually did. Silence continued between us and I wondered if we would ever talk to each other like we used to.

Probably not.

Then we enter the 80's and we had moved into a small house on the quieter side of London.

Here also entered Amy, a young, charming woman with all the grace and stubbornness that I had once possessed and that Sebastian had found amusing. She was beautiful too, with long dark hair and those bight, green, honest eyes. I didn't even notice her beauty, her elegance and wit until Sebastian spoke to her. I watched as he approached her and began to speak to her. They were arguing about a collection of tea sets and which one was more superior.

At first, it amused me but I began to notice that he left at night. He left me defenceless and alone in the middle of the night which hurt. Curiosity had me follow him one night, watching as he made his way into a bar where he met up with...with _her_. I couldn't help but observe his features as he laughed with her, his face lighting up with the unusual expression. He still had slight dimples in his cheeks and his lips parted to show a bit of his flawlessly white teeth. Amy put her hand on Sebastian's as she laughed, the action struck me in the chest when Sebastian didn't pull away. Demonic rage filled me and I left quickly, silently.

There were five murders that night; each victim seemingly attached by a beast with sharp fangs and claws, their throats torn out.

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**_Ok so I'm not the best updater or whatever but I'm not in the mood for anything particularly long. _**

**_I'm gonna sleep nowzzzzzzzzzzzzz_**


	3. The Girl

I found myself wanting to break, to fall to the floor and shatter like a china doll. I longed for more than this life of pain. All I wanted was him. It was destroying me. I tried to put it out of my mind but I found myself fighting for my own sanity every time he entered the room. I hated that he had found someone he wanted to spend time with, that he liked someone that wasn't me. I hated that it would never be me but I understood that; who could want me after being tied to me for so long, deprived of freewill and freedom? I watched from the shadows as Sebastian and Amy laughed and talked together, getting closer and closer. Did I think about taking my own life? Once or twice. Sebastian was all I had left and now I was loosing any chance of winning his affections to some no good, lower class whore.

"I love you," Amy told Sebastian one evening. They had only been acquainted a few months and now she was confessing her undying love? What kind of madness was this?

My eyes widened in utter horror as I stood there, unable to say anything for a full five seconds as Sebastian recovered from his surprise.

"Love him?" I found myself stepping forward before Sebastian could give her an answer. "I suppose you know what love is, do you? How could you? You're a child. You know nothing of love nor of Sebastian. You embarrass yourself thinking you have even scratched the surface of who and what my servant is."

Amy was too shocked to say anything but Sebastian spoke up, taking Amy's hand in his own before glaring at me. "Young master, you have no right to speak to a guest like that." he said coldly before looking at Amy with a kind smile. "I'm sorry if my master offended you." he kissed her hand.

"Oh, no. That's fine..."

"So, do you love her?" I found myself interrupting rudely. I couldn't help it; I needed to know if I had even the smallest of chances. It was a fragile, vain hope but I needed it. It was all that kept me going throughout these long useless decades of being worth so very little.

"Of course," Sebastian answered and Amy smiled before embracing the demon.

As I watched, I finally understood what people mean when they say they felt their entire world collapse around them. Any hope I had was now gone, any reason I had to go on had vanished in just those two short words. I should have known he would have fallen for someone as beautiful and as witty and clever as Amy. She had all the qualities I could never possess, that any man would want.

I turned away. "I suppose you might as well have the afternoon off." I said softly. "It's not like you'll be focused on your chores anyway." I looked down at my black nails before glancing at Sebastian and Amy who were on their way out. I made my way up the stairs to my bedroom before packing a bag. How could I stay with Sebastian when I'm clearly not wanted? He wanted his freedom back, right? Well he could have it. He could have a life absent of me.

I was gone by the time he returned.

Being on your own and looking like a thirteen year old human had its disadvantages. I mean, it's difficult to get a place to stay when your birth certificate is from the eighteen hundreds or when you're having to pretend that your guardian is held up, running errands. Then it's even more of a problem when people notice that said guardian is never about. Non-existent in fact. I could never stay in a place for too long. I found myself running out of places to go and I found myself fearing that I would never find some kind of home. I didn't want to be afraid, I didn't want to die inside just to breathe in. I was tired of feeling so numb. Relief, I found it when I took a knife and cut.


	4. The Cafe

There was something oddly tranquil about lying in a bath of your own blood. I could feel every drop flowing out of the open arteries and veins on my wrists. I could smell the metallic stench of blood that soaked my skin and stained my flesh. When my wounds healed over for about the hundredth time, I pulled the plug and turned on the shower, washing the red from my body; watching as my own blood spun round the drain before going down. Eventually, I stepped out of the bathtub after turning off the shower and dried myself. I pulled on jeans and a t-shirt. It was now the 90's and the fashion was awful but conveniently easy to put together...and to put on.

I went to my favourite café which was only around the corner of my current living arrangements. It was nice to sit in the corner and sip my earl grey while reading the morning news paper.

Then I saw him.

He stood there, a fragile frame aged with misery.

When our eyes met, he knew it was me.

I gaped like a fish. I probably seemed crazy or painfully shy. I watched with wide eyes as he approached. He was but a stranger now and yet still I found my heart was his. He took residence in the seat opposite me and silence consumed us for the longest of moment. What's the worse thing I could say? Things were better if I stayed quiet. But like a love-sick fool holding on still, I found myself uttering his name. "Sebastian." I said softly, staring at the demonic owner of those burning red eyes.

"Young master." he replied in greeting and I swallowed nervously, feeling much like a child about to be scolded by a parent. "And I suppose you have an explanation for disappearing for an entire decade?"

I looked down at my tea, taking a sip before I responded. "It's not like it's any of your business. I am not your pet, I can do as I please without consent from you. Besides, it's not like you tried to find me. I didn't wander far."

Sebastian sat back, looking far less composed than I had ever seen him. I wondered if it was force of habit now that he had been able to get used to my absence and his freedom. "No. Admittedly, I had no desire to find you. I won't deny that I desired the freedom your absence gave me. You did give me a surprise, however, young master, when I returned to find you and your things gone." My eyes wandered up to Sebastian's face, hoping a little that this was him telling me he was worried, but his expression was merely curious. "Where do you go, young master? Why did you go? I would have though that my presence would be convenient rather than the disadvantage I suspect I was for you to leave."

"In other words, you think I'm a helpless, spoilt brat who can't do anything without his butler," I stated coldly.

"Well, I wasn't going to put it like that." Sebastian chuckled. "But, I will not lie to you, young master."

"I hate to break it to you, Sebastian," I growled. "But the world doesn't revolve around you; I can function without you just fine. Mock me all you like, destroy what little I have left... you were always good at that." I stood. "Now, if you would excuse me, I have an appointment with the bathtub..." I then froze, my eyes going wide as she entered the café. "Amy." I murmured, recognising those dark locks and those green eyes. I narrowed my own eyes and looked at Sebastian. "You're still with her?"  
"Any reason why I shouldn't be?" Sebastian asked as he watched me.

"She's human. She will wither and die before your eyes. You have chosen a painful love, Sebastian." I said softly, feeling...hurt.

After all those years, the two together still had the power to make me feel small and worthless. I hated that they could do that to me, that they could hurt me so much and not even know it. I almost wish the pain was physical; a bit of ice and I'd feel as right as rain but this... my wounds couldn't be nursed with ice.

I hurt and it made me angry.

I wanted other people to feel my agony. I wanted to rip hearts from mangled corpses. I wanted to torture, to kill. To destroy and obliterate. I wanted to rip living flesh. To end life, end the world.

I knew then that, if the world ended there and then, it would end with not a band or ice, chaos or fire.

It would end with the heartbroken sobs of an unwanted child.

* * *

**_Yeah, this is kinda taking a dark turn but I'm just feeling kinda down. Not that I'd go cut myself or anything. It's just so many people keep leaving me. My RP partners keep abandoning me and it's almost been a year since my step-dad left. It wouldn't be so bad but my step-dad is the only father I've ever known so it's like my actual dad doesn't want me. My biological father doesn't want anything to do with me either. Like I said; everyone keeps abandoning me. My life sucks. Alright, not as much as some people, I get that but it's still enough to leave a large dent in my tiny ego and enough to bring me down from ground level to under earth. I'm just pretty depressed right now and poor Ciel's having a big slab of depression because of it. Sorry if you were expecting anything cheerful._**

**_Please review. It might make me feel better. I love hearing (reading) what you lot think of what I'm writing. _**

**_Love you guys_**

**_Your miserable little secret_**

**_S._**

**_x_**


	5. The Cut

Drip, drip, drip. Keeping up this slow life was fine. Drip, drip, drip. This constant noise happened all the time. The bathroom light flickered for a moment and I knew I should change the bulb at some point. Red oozed down the sides of the bath tub as my body's blood exited my wounds. I could never go home. I no longer had one. There was no one to help carry the load, to carry me in their arms. My blood ran along the floor and I was alone.

Tears added to the red stained water, the wisps of blood creating patterns as my tear-drops splashed and rippled the warm water. "Se..." I stopped. I couldn't summon him, not now. No matter how much I wanted to say his name, to hear his voice, it would be beneath me to allow him to see me in such a pitiful state. Besides, what did he have to care for me? His heart belonged to another, a human female who no doubt knew what he was? Else how would she explain how he didn't age? In over a decade, he should have wrinkles, right? "...bas..." I stopped again, my vocal cords betraying me. I lifted my knife and held my tongue, pressing the sharp blade to the wet muscle and slicing through, removing it entirely. I threw it to the other side of the room where it wriggled before staying still, blood pouring from my mouth. It never stopped amazing me how much blood a demon had stored in the body. All that red. Now I understood why Grelle thrilled over that colour.

It took nearly half an hour for my tongue to grow back in which time I washed myself and got dry, my wounds already healing. I pulled on my pyjamas and crawled into bed where I found comfort under the covers and peace in sleep until the nightmares settled in. "...tian..." I murmured as I dozed but he did not come. I was sure his mark was burning but he didn't come. I waited, in that light doze, for him to appear as he always had but... he didn't. I curled up as I felt my beaten, torn mess of a heart clench and the broken pieces crumbled into shards that stabbed the inside of my chest. Tears formed as they often did when I thought of him and I found myself crying for a love that never was and never would be. I was alone so I didn't bother with silence like I once would have in the estate. I sobbed, crying like the lonely child that I was. I longed for a companion, someone to love me and treasure me always, wishing pointlessly that the person who would love me would be Sebastian. Alas, that was not to be. He had Amy. besides all of that, who could _possibly_ love something as broken as I?

Funny how even my heart could break when it wasn't even whole to start with.

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**_Kind short. Sorry. Enjoy._**

**_Hopefully it'll have a happy ending. I'm not sure yet. _**


	6. The Torture

_**True fans, ***_who have read everything I have written_**, will note the significance of this date in relation to myself so... let's have a little competition shall we? The first person to realise why this date is important will get a fic dedicated to their honour.**_

_**That is ...THREE chapters or more.**_

_**Good luck.**_

* * *

1996.

February 11th.

It was snowing. Not as much as in previous days but, in some places, it was still snowing. Here especially. It didn't really bother me since temperature didn't any more. I watched the flakes fall, some very similar in design but none the same as any other. It had been snowing the night I was born and the night my parents died. Snow, as white and as pure as it was supposed to be, was something like a death omen for me now. Everything dies in the snow. Everything goes cold and freezes over when it snows.

The significance of this day wasn't made known until what I'll explain later.

It was ice blue cold in the flat in which I took up residence. No heating, no electric. I had the money, of course, but I just didn't need it. My lips turned blue but I no longer knew what it meant to be truly cold. I remained in my room during the thunderstorms that still had me cowering under my duvet and I perched on the window sill when it snowed a little. I wondered if Sebastian knew how old I was now, if he thought about me at all. I had long since forgotten my age but I could probably calculate it if I could be bothered. About a century and twenty years by now, I should think.

My bare toes curled in the snow on the window sill as I looked out across the court yard, watching children of around twelve or thirteen years play in a make-shift playground. They were playing games that I had never been able to play as a child due to my poor health. Obviously that wasn't an issue now. I had passed them as they played once or twice and they had stopped to stare at me, possibly about to ask if I wanted to join in but I carried on my way as they continued to stare. Part of me wondered if they could sense what I was.

I closed my eyes, resting my head against the window frame, turning my face up to the sun. I could feel the rays on my skin but I didn't feel the warmth of it. I could, however, sense the warmth of the bodies of the children playing just a few hundred yards away. More specifically, I could sense the warmth of the blood pulsing through their veins and the warm, glowing aura of their souls.

Then I felt something odd, something dark. It was dark and twisted, full of pure sin and such exquisite hate and despair that it made my heart sing. My eyes cracked open then widened as a saw something I never thought I would. Surely I was mistaken? Surely that scruffy, black hair and scrawny structure did not belong to who I thought it did? The black nails must be a trick of the light, the pale skin must be due to the sun's glow on the snow... right? It couldn't be, couldn't possibly be … "Sebastian..."

The whisper carried off through the air and the man in question looked up, his eyes hard and cold; colder than I'd seen them in a long time. He stormed into the building and kick in my door. He was angry, furious even. The demon strode over and grabbed me by the collar and I stared at him through wide eyes. I confess I was terrified; he was older than me, bigger and stronger.

It was the first time Sebastian's touch didn't make me feel safe.

"What did you do?" He hissed at me but I could only gape at him, mesmerised by how beautiful he was even when in such a fury. When I made no response, he shook me so hard that his hands punched into my collar bone. "What did you do!" he demanded again, louder this time.

"I don't..."

He threw me across the room, my back smacking against the wall. "Don't you dare say you don't know what I mean." he hissed, consumed by such a wrath, the likes of which I had never seen before. "Don't you dare."

The problem with this demand was that I honestly had no idea what he meant so I remained silent, ignoring the blood dribbling out of my caved-in skull. It was healing but I was too young for it to heal as fast as it needed. I felt faint and dizzy. Like I had been on a round-about that had been going too fast for too long. "Seb..." I couldn't say much more, still trying to maintain consciousness. "Didn't...do..."

"Liar." I felt his foot in my stomach, bruising the flesh and muscles beneath. I think I might have screamed. I know I made some kind of noise because he kept demanding that I shut up, that I stop being so pathetic. "You hated her. It had to be you! Who else would have..." he growled and suddenly I couldn't breathe, his hands around my neck.

I held up no resistance; why should I? I always knew I would die at his hand and I had been running on borrowed time anyway.

Then he let go of me and I gasped for air like a fish out of water, trembling with everything but rage. How could I be angry with him when I deserved such treatment for loving a demon? Besides, I was too confused to be angry. What had I done to make Sebastian react so … violently?

He kept asking why I had done it but done what? I didn't understand. He just hurt me some more when I was silent and then he took to progressing in his methods of torture when I said I didn't know what he meant.

Eventually, God granted me mercy as a blow to my fractured skull knocked me out. Sebastian had no choice but to pause. I was unconscious, broken and bloody. Not really something you even could get information out of even if you were a professional.

And so, I slept, taking what rest and healing time I could so that I was ready for the pain that would come upon my awakening.

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*clue


	7. The Pain

**WARNING:_ this chapter may cause tears, _****_difficulty breathing and feels_**

**_Lol enjoy my sexy readers_**

* * *

I gradually became aware that I was bleeding. My wounds had all healed so I knew these were fresh. I was next aware of deep slices from my stomach to my chest. A whimper escaped from my lips and my eyes opened slightly. I saw only darkness before my eyes adjusted and I found I wasn't in my cosy little flat any more. I was in some kind of garage.

I only had to turn my head slightly to the right to locate the demon I had loved for as long as I could remember. "Se..." I began but then he looked at me, his eyes glowing with hurt and rage.

"Don't you dare invoke that name."

There was silence for a while as my fresh wounds healed before I spoke again. "What...did I do?" I asked softly, looking at him but my vision was blurred. I blinked out the blood in my eyes and my vision came into focus. There was silence for a long while before Sebastian stood.

"She's dead." he said softly. "Torn to shreds."

"Amy?"

"Obviously." he growled and turned to glare at me. "Her soul had been sucked out through her mouth. No one but a demon could have done that." He moved closer, approaching almost lazily but I could see it for what it really was; he was pacing himself. He wanted my suffering to last, he wanted to drink in my fear and feast on my guilt. "I know it was you, boy. I just want you to tell me one thing." He abruptly shoved a knife into my abdominal and I screamed. The pain was familiar but no less agonizing. It reminded me of the moment I became a demon, when he punched his hand through my torso. "Why?" he demanded when my screams subsided into sobs. "Why did you do it? What did you have to gain?"

"I didn't..." I spluttered, blood filling my mouth as I coughed. The wound wasn't fatal but then nothing was really fatal to a demon now. "I swear..." I choked out. He looked down at me, his head tilted like a confused dog that didn't understand his master. It was a look I had received so many times when I reminded Sebastian of my own humanity.

Oh they hurt, memories. My world was tearing into pieces and I honestly didn't care. I was happy just to gaze into the face of the man I have loved for over a century. It seemed he finally believed me for he ungraciously ripped out the knife in my stomach. I cried, of course, like the pathetic creature that I was. I curled up on my side, bleeding heavily for a while until my wounds re-healed one last time. I lay there, on my side. I felt like I was falling through a hole in the sky. This stranger, for that's what Sebastian was for the moment, watched me as I felt myself loose my sanity. He had touched my soul; I'd let him into my mind and I had let him into... let him into...

...my heart.

If he'd whisper to me, I'd believe all the madness, all the truths and the lies.

"Are you...are you crying?" he didn't sound sympathetic exactly. More astonished or maybe even just confused really. "You're crying, aren't you?"

My lips parted but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Slowly, I shifted into a sitting position and blood dribbled out of my mouth. I felt a bit dizzy so I kept my head down. Besides, I didn't want him to see me in this state any more than he had to. It's not that I didn't want him to worry – I knew he wouldn't anyway- it was more a matter of my pride.

I'll tell you what I wanted to say: I wanted to tell him that of course I was crying. That I had just endured torture, that I still had the mind and body I had at thirteen because that's the age I'd been stuck with so of course I was bloody crying!

But I said none of this.

I slid off the table and my legs gave way beneath me. With a soft 'oof' sound, I fell to the ground and winced as my wrist took the full force of my weight. I tried not to vocalise my pain but it was hard when one is still wounded. Once again, I got to my feet with a slowness that no doubt irritated my once-butler. Eventually, I looked up at him and found myself gazing into those ruby red eyes for a moment before I lowered my own. "Are you...going to hurt me some more?" I asked but it sort of came out in a reluctant mumble.

He almost smiled. "No," he replied. "But you will help me find the demon who took Amy's soul. You owe me that much at least."

How dare he?

_How_

**_Dare_**

_He_?

"No." I snapped, suddenly furious.

"No?" he repeated.

He must have lost some brain cells over the years.

"No," I confirmed. "I owe you nothing."

"Nothing?"

God he was slow.

"Nothing." I was crying again. "You...you _tortured_ me. You hurt me in ways I can't even..." I had to stop to breathe for a moment and to turn away. I couldn't look at him. I just couldn't. I loved him so much and it hurt. "If I ever owed you anything, that has been scratched off. You have made my demonic existence pure misery. I have spent my life running and hiding in fear of running into you. I left that night … I ran because I couldn't stay when you clearly … _clearly_ didn't want me to stay. When I was human, this was easier. I could … I could pretend you cared. I could pretend because you took on my nonsense with a smile." I swayed as I gasped for breath and I grasped the table for support. It wasn't exactly an asthma attack. I hadn't had once since I was human and this felt different somehow. Looking back, I think it was an anxiety attack. "And then I was turned _against my will_ and you just weren't... Sebastian anymore. You didn't smile, you didn't...you didn't..." I had to stop there for a moment. "You...you had my soul, Sebastian but you chose to crush it rather than preserve it. You and your spite."

Sebastian chuckled softly. "Careful, young Lord. That sounds much like a love confession."

I shook my head and let myself sink to the floor. "Why would someone love someone like you? You destroy and robbed me of any chance of happiness. You tried to kill me and you tortured me... I'm but an empty shell. So go on. Hurt me some more. In fact, just kill me. Just... kill me."

There was silence for the longest of moments but he didn't kill me as I had hoped. He just lifted me up in his arms and carried me out. It felt like old times for a moment, like I had never been a demon and that I was still just the human Ciel Phantomhive that Sebastian had longed for, hungered for. He took me back to my flat and lay me in bed. I was too exhausted to protest and I soon passed out.

When I woke... he was gone.


	8. The Observation

Red eyes watched with what seemed like a mild curiosity as the boy stumbled out of his bed. The figure watched from a distance, far enough that the young demon couldn't detect him but close enough for the owner of these watchful red eyes to see. Those eyes observed as the boy slowly undressed, wincing for he had no company to hide his agony from, and looked up and down that small body. It wasn't a perverted gaze that those deep red eyes gave, simply noting and observational...like they noted and observed the bruises that the young demon still had. They were healing, fading, but slowly for a demon. This was the first time he had watched over him for many, many years but he had seen something broken in his once-master when he had tortured him for answers, something that hadn't been there when the boy had been human.

Red eyes narrowed as the naked demon entered the bathroom with a knife. Why would anyone go into a bathroom with such a sharp instrument? He watched as the boy ran himself a bath and slowly lowered himself into the hot water, his pale skin turning red from the heat of the water. Ciel lay back, his hands gripping the sides of the bathtub, tears soaking his eyelashes as they rolled down his rosy cheeks and dripped into the bathwater. He had rarely seen this boy cry before but this seemed to be something that happened regularly, that the boy lived his life in misery.

Red eyes widened as the knife the boy had brought with him cut into lily white flesh and blood oozed out of the wound, filling the tub with swirls of red, the tendrils of which expanded and stained the water blood red. The owner of those red eyes wanted to go to him, to demand an explanation but he said nothing, did nothing. He just stood there as he always had, keeping a safe distance between himself and his previous master, watching as the boy sobbed and just cut away at himself. The wounds closed and the young demon cut them open again. The boy had indeed broken, his spirit shattered and everything that made him the ruthless Phantomhive just wasn't there anymore. Before him lay a boy who had no one, had nothing and had lost everything. Including the only person he had trusted.

Red eyes lowered their gaze in shame and the owner turned away, making his way across the tops of buildings, unseen by the humans below as he made his way home, the image of the boy cutting his flesh like that burning into his skull and all Sebastian could think was 'What have I done?'


	9. The Guest

_**I know, I know. Short, right. I'm not in the mood for long chapters at the moment.**_

* * *

My head hurt.

It throbbed, ached with every thump of my broken heart, with every pulse that ran through my veins.

I emptied the water in my bath, pulling the plug from the plug-hole before turning on the shower. I just lay there, letting the water wash away the red from my body, letting it rain down on me as if it would wash away the sins I had committed and the pain I was suffering to atone for those sins. Sins like loving a demon. I was tired, so tired. Mentally and physically drained.

Slowly, I found the will to wash my body, washing away the blood and watched the blood swirl down the drain. When I was clean, I slipped out of the bath, turning off the shower as I left. Even now I was clean, I felt tainted, stained with the blood I had spilled; my own blood. I then returned to my bedroom to collapse upon the comfort that was my bed.

I close my eyes as my head finds the pillows, feeling more exhausted than I can ever recall feeling. It was odd. Instead of worrying about it, however, I allow myself to succumb to sleep and everything seems to fall away...

All my worries...

All my cares...

Everything just …

It just all...

Falls away...

There is silence at last...

The quiet... it's haunting...but it's...peaceful almost...

Almost...

Something about it... it scares me...

It reminds me of something... like cold water on a hot day...

Cold.

Like the time Claude had me near drowned in cold water...

Claude's cool, spidery, slimy touch...

I shift slightly among the sheets and I pull the duvet over me. It's cold now and chills run down my spine. The window is closed...was closed. How odd. I didn't open it. Did I? I smell something too... something like... like bluebells and daisies. Things that Alois liked.

I'm cold.

So cold.

I curl up in the duvet, feeling a little like a butterfly being cocooned in the threads of a spider's web.

I remember feeling like this before.

When I let Claude touch me.

His lips.

His cold, clammy hands.

On my neck.

_Cold._

On my thighs.

_So cold._

I missed Sebastian. I miss him still.

I'm dirty.

Filthy.

I wonder what it would have been like if Sebastian could have accepted me into his heart. If he could embrace me as a lover or even just a friend if that is all he can manage. I love him enough that even just that would suffice. Even that would allow me to find contentment but...it is not to be.

What I am...

What I've done...

I am not worthy.

I open my eyes.

Gold eyes stare back.

"Hello, My Lord."

I struggle not to scream but I don't all together succeed.

A soft squeak of horror leaves my lips.

Claude smirks. "Did you miss me?"


	10. The Cold

I trembled at the sight at the one who had haunted my nightmares, who had taken me away from Sebastian and had tainted me in ways that should have been Sebastian's right. My mouth opened and closed I don't know how many times; I must have looked positively pathetic and ridiculous as I sat there, just staring in horror at the demon I had hoped never to see.

I should have known I'd see him again.

After all, I know very well nothing can kill a demon.

_I should have known._

The mortal wounds I had inflicted upon myself.

_I should have known._

When I ripped out my tongue.

_I should have known._

The deep horizontal slices in my wrists.

_I should have known._

The knife in my stomach.

_I should have known._

They all healed.

_I should have known._

They always healed.

_I should have known_.

I should have known Claude would survive that too.

Claude's smirk widened into something twisted and cold. Like a dank, dark cave that any nasty little bug would be happy to scramble into. He made my skin crawl. "Don't look so surprised, young lord." he said. "I am a demon after all. I'm hurt that you don't seem pleased to see me," his voice was of such indifference and filled with such apathy that I really doubted that statement. "Especially after our... _time_ together."

I swallowed nervously, slowly edging away but he didn't seem to care, in fact, it probably only amused him. The spider-like male crawled on the bed, scuttling closer in the way those eight legged freaks do; slowly with every move precise and creepy. He gave me the hebegebies.

I escaped through the door, running as fast as I could. I needed Sebastian, now more than ever but he... I felt like crying again. Sebastian wouldn't save me from the beast that had violated me in more ways than one. I was scared, trembling as I ran on shaking legs.

Eventually I was sure I was far enough away. It getting dark by now and cold. I slipped though into an alleyway, sitting against the wall as I wrapped my arms around my legs. The cold didn't really bother me now I was a demon but I felt cold inside; hollowed and empty like someone had removed my insides and filled me with ice. I hurt and ached but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered. Sebastian wouldn't come for me.

My eyes stung with hot liquid that rolled down my cheeks. I won't tell you I look particularly attractive when I cry; I look like any other snot-nose child except, as a demon, I don't get snotty. A bonus perhaps? No. I would still give anything, anything at all, for my humanity just so I could end. I wanted Sebastian to take my soul. I wanted it more than you could possible comprehend. I wanted peace, oblivion. I wanted to die.

Typically, it began to rain. I dug around the bins that surrounded me and I found a shirt covered with paint. I pulled it on. I was something to keep me covered as I hadn't the time to pull on clothes before Claude invaded my home. I was soon soaked to the bone but what did it matter? I curled up on the hard, wet floor. I had nowhere to go, no one who wanted me, nothing to protect me. I was quite useless. Sure I could fence but I had never used a real sword. I had some knowledge of self defense but nothing that I could have confidence in.

I closed my eyes. I regretted refusing to help Sebastian find Amy's killer. Perhaps I would have been allowed to linger just a little longer, perhaps be held by him for a moment and perhaps I would be safe from Claude... wait...

Claude was back.

Amy was dead.

Coincidence? Not bloody likely.

I knew who killed Amy.

"Sebastian..."

* * *

**_I know I haven't been on much but death and medical issues has gotten in the way. Forgive me?_**

**_Also, I don't normally make requests like this but, I'd really appreciate it if more people could tell me what they think of my Lady Elizabeth fanfic 'The Loveless Life of Little Lizzy'. It was my first fanfic from a point of view that wasn't Sebastian's or Ciel's or third person so, of you have time, please check it out and review. Thanks so much x_**


	11. The Wounds

**_I'm back for a bit_**

* * *

A tingle ran down my spine as I smelt the familiar scent of the demon who had stolen my heart. It was still raining and I knew his shirt would be wet, clinging to his chest and every other part of his torso. I tried not to look as he spoke, his voice colder than the rain wetting my skin. "You called?"

I shifted a little, hesitant to answer him. "I ..."  
"Speak up!" he snapped at me, clearly not pleased to have been summoned like a mongrel pup.

I gathered my courage. "I... I know...I think I know who killed Amy." The moment those words left my lips, I felt his hand on my collar, jerking me forward harshly. I looked up at him, terrified. He was so beautiful, so close to me but his eyes were filled with a furious rage that left me trembling.

"Tell me," he demanded.

"I..."

He shoved me back down to the floor. "I am not in the mood to be toyed with, brat!"

I lay there, whimpering as quietly as I could. "...Claude," I finally choked out. "He ...is here. He... AH!"

His foot slammed into my stomach. "Don't lie to me!" he hissed. He pulled me up by my hair and I was helpless, unable to fight him off. "Tell me what you know!"

"Please... I swear," I promised. "Claude is here. He seeks to make us miserable." I gazed up with him, begging him silently to believe me. He stared back for a moment and dropped me onto the wet concrete beneath us.

"Fine. I will find him," he turned away but I reached for the leg of his trousers.

"Please... please don't leave me here," I must have sounded pathetic but I was passed the point where my pride mattered any more.

There was a long pause then a sigh.

Arms hooked beneath me, lifting me up and holding me against a chest I was once familiar with. "You are hopeless, young master," he said softly as he carried me through the rain. "Completely hopeless." I closed my eyes, resting my forehead against his chest. I had missed this, missed his arms around me.

He took me far from that little ally, carrying me into a warm house. I was surprised but grateful when he ran me a warm bath and then he left me alone in the bathroom. I took advantage of his absence, bathing quickly. I didn't want him to see my wounds. It wasn't something he should ever see. I dried and pulled back on the wet shirt I had been wearing. I had nothing else to wear and I had no right to anything else.

The door opened and Sebastian entered in a pair of dark jeans. I looked away quickly, keeping my eyes on my hands.

"What are you wearing?" he asked as he approached me.

"A...a shirt," it came out as a stutter, making my cheeks flame red in humiliation.

A sigh of annoyance came from the elder as he strolled over to the wardrobe. Inside, I could see plenty of her clothes, Amy's clothes, and I wondered how many joys she had shared with Sebastian that I never could. He brought out a t-shirt and threw it at me, ignoring my flinch. I shifted uncomfortably, growing red under his gaze so I made my way to the bathroom to change.

"What are you doing?" Sebastian sighed, sounding though he had been putting up with an energetic five year old all day.

"Going in the bathroom t-to change," I flushed at my stutter. He must of thought me such a pathetic little brat and I couldn't blame him. I was pathetic.

"Why?"

I didn't know how to answer that. There were so many reasons I wanted to hide my body from him. I was ashamed of it, repulsed by it and I didn't want to see the disgust when he saw me. I wanted... I wanted to give him my soul.

"Come here."

I obeyed him with some reluctance. I was silent as he removed the shirt covering my naked flesh and I was silent when he showed no sign of surprise at the wounds littering my skin. He helped me get into clothes that were several sizes too big. "You've seen these before." I commented at my wounds.

"Some of them I inflicted myself. I wonder, however, why they are still almost fresh." His eyes bore into mine with an intensity I had never seen before. "You have been opening them up, haven't you, young master? I didn't realize you enjoyed pain."

"I don't. I didn't." I stuttered, feeling hot about my cheeks.

"So flustered." He seemed to enjoy my embarrassment.

I was silent, unable to look at the man I longed for. Was it too much to as to have him pretend to care about me? Just for a little while. Was I not allowed just a brief moment of happiness? Perhaps this empty melancholy was all I was allowed after the bitter damnation that is my life. But, perhaps if I prayed, if I begged to all gods known and unknown, if I repented for everything, maybe I would be allowed to have just a small moment of happiness. Not much. Just his arms in a loving embrace. Just once. Just for a moment.

Was that too much?

"You're crying," Sebastian's voice cracked through my thoughts and I turned away, wiping the waters of sorrow from the pools from which they fell.

"I'm not," I retorted, keeping my back to him.

For a fraction of a second, I felt his hand on my shoulder but it was soon gone alone with the warmth it gave me.

I knew I was doomed to love him unconditionally until the day I died but did he have to make it so difficult with moments like that? It wasn't even affectionate but, as the idiot I was, I couldn't help but hope that one day I would be enough for him. Maybe I would be loved by him... but that was just a dream.

It is pleasant to dream but, to dream of the impossible only leads to unhappiness.


	12. The Vow

**_Hey. Another chapter from me. I know, quick right? Only for you Kylee ;*_**

**_IMPORTANT_****_ BEFORE YOU READ:_**

**_*Anyway, just want to point out that no, nothing here written was me forgetting what I've written previously. There is a reason for the section you'll wonder about. Can't say more than that or I'll spoil it._**

**_A 'jumper' is a British term for a 'sweater', I think. Big woolly warm thing. Lol _**

**_Thanks for your reviews and one of you is right about what you think is going on. Also, yes, 'you're exactly right' to the Amy comment._**

* * *

I was allowed to sleep in his bed.

I don't know if he even slept but he avoided the room for all the hours I remained curled up under the sheets. Part of me was grateful for that, for the privacy he gave me to cry silently at the sorrow that shaped my soul. Another part of me wished that he would come in and hold me for a while. It was a stupid wish and I was selfish for thinking it; Sebastian had not long lost Amy. He was still grieving. He didn't have time to sooth my sadness and tell me the lies I so desperately wanted to hear.

Tell me you love me, Sebastian.

Just once.

It would be nothing but a beautiful he he allowed himself to say such words. I knew that. I had always known that. But lies can become truths, can't they? Twist it, warp it, make it truth.

Oh, how selfish I was.

I slipped out of bed and made my way to the bedroom door then stopped. There was no way he'd want to see me now. I rested my forehead against the wood. He was probably strategically coming up with a plan to capture and kill Claude. Not that you can kill a demon but there was probably a way to imprison one.

I let out a sigh.

If he found a way to imprison Claude, how long would it be before he imprisoned me?

I slid down to my knees, my head still against the door. I was surely doomed as much as Claude was. I would be cast away, imprisoned and dismissed as something unworthy of attention. There was no doubt in my mind that I would feel Sebastian's wrath when Claude got his comeuppance.

My eyes slid shut as I felt a wave of exhaustion wash over me. Slowly, I stumbled back to bed and curled up under the sheets. It didn't matter what Sebastian did to me now; all that mattered was that Claude didn't bother Sebastian again, that Claude went far away and was never heard from again. My thoughts became hazy as I dozed off and my senses slowly shut down but I was sure I heard the door open as the scent of Sebastian wafted into the room then warmth pressed against my back as I was embraced. Of course this was all just my imagination...wasn't it?

* * *

I woke again sometime around dusk with the feeling of utter emptiness. I opened my eyes for a moment and looked around only to find I was alone. The bed was cold except where I had been lying and I shivered. Curling up into the little warmth these cold sheets provided, I tried to return to sleep. I was still tired but sleep did not grant me her embrace so I just lay there with my eyes shut until I got bored and the cold became uncomfortable. Sliding out of bed is horrible when one is cold, cold to the very bones, but I managed. I hoped Sebastian wouldn't mind if I borrowed a jumper; he had plenty of the same pairs. I pulled one on and snuggled into the thick cotton that clung to my small frame.

Still in this ridiculously large jumper, I peeked out of the room. Cautiously, I waddled out of the room -the jumper was really big- and explored the petite building. Sebastian's scent was everywhere and the curious desire rub my cheek against anything that smelled like him, a desire I did _not_ yield to.

Rustling from the kitchen caught my attention and I gingerly approached in utter silence. Carefully, I pushed open the door and there he was, bent over old parchment paper and ancient scrolls that were decorated with strange runes and other such writing that I did not understand. "Sebastian?" I asked quietly and he glanced around at me but soon returned to his odd choice of reading material.

"You're awake," he commented.

I took that as permission to approach and I hesitated before sitting on one of the chairs. "What are you reading?" I asked him, looking at all the scrolls.

"Demon Law, Demon History and such as the like," he replied.

A moment passed and he sat up, making his way to the fridge where packets of what looked like blood sat on the top shelf and jars of lights decorated the other. I knew what they were and my mouth watered at the sight of them. I wondered what they tasted like, if they tasted of anything. How exactly would one consume one? I looked away, flushing with embarrassment as my stomach growled.

Sebastian chuckled. "Hungry as well, I take it?" he asked as he leaned against the fridge. "You like the sweet ones, right? I suppose it might be different. Sweetness has different levels, after all." he paused and looked at me as he grabbed one from the shelf. "So, what one?"

"You're letting me have one?"

"Well, it's not like I can't just get more. Inconvenient but, for now, I need to pick at your brain." he replied. "And it's hard to do that if you're hungry."

I shifted in my seat.

"Don't you want one?"

This was embarrassing. "I don't know how..." I trailed off at Sebastian's confused expression.

"How to what?"

"H-how to feed," I mumbled.

**_SMASH_**

The jar he was holding slammed to the floor and the little ball of light rushed out of the window to find its owner or to find peace elsewhere.

"You mean you haven't fed since you were Changed?" he demanded in astonishment then shook his head. "But you told me, when we were still together, that you had been feeding."  
"Of course I did. How could I admit to one I thought beneath me that I was useless?" I snapped at him then sighed. "I was much too proud."

"Well, what changed?"

"You took my pride from me."

There was silence for a long moment before Sebastian cleaned up his mess. He grabbed another soul and put in his mouth before approaching me. "This will be easier... as it is your first..." he tilted my head up and then his mouth was against mine.

I found I couldn't help the flush that came to my cheeks, not the mewl that fell from my mouth and into his. Our mouths locked and his tongue pressed against mine. Then, something warm and sweet but of no real substance or texture filled my mouth. I swallowed and, almost like a liquid, it slid down my throat.

Then his lips parted from mine.

He turned away from me, seemingly not bothered by the passionate exchange. It had only been to feed me but I couldn't help it... I wanted more. My mind was no longer in control of my actions as my hand reached for Sebastian's shirt and yanked him down into another kiss.

Perhaps he had decided this was perfectly natural as I was a demon with carnal desires. Perhaps he had decided I was just convenient. Perhaps he was just lonely. Whatever the reason, his mouth responded to mine willingly. I confess I clung to him quite needily and I had no complaints as he pressed me against every surface between the kitchen and the bedroom, each tearing at each others clothes.

We made it to the bed, our breathing hot and heavy against each other's skin as our groins rubbed together. Sebastian was naked, on top of me, between my legs. I wanted him, needed him inside me. I wanted this moment to feel real, to feel eternal and he gave me that as his nails dug into my hips and he pushed himself inside me.

I cried out against his lips, white hot bolts shooting up my spine as his hips moved inside me. He didn't stop but then, I hadn't asked him to. I could feel him moving in me, giving me little in the way of pleasure. A cry was forced out of my throat as Sebastian's hips shifted and found that spot deep inside me that Claude had rarely been able to find. Raw, undeniable pleasure had me arching beneath him, writhing in ecstasy as the unfamiliar sensation of an orgasm began to build up.

I was embarrassingly vocal as I orgasmed but he was near silent as he released inside me. He pulled out once he was done and began to get dressed. I watched him from the open door as he reclaimed his trousers from the top of the stairs. He glanced at me then sighed, "Don't look at me like that." I realized I must have looked like a kicked puppy. I think I would have preferred it if he had kicked me. I mean, I didn't expect any words of love or anything but...I had kind of hoped he would at least hold me for a while.

Sebastian frowned. "What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

I looked away as I lay down.

"Exactly what was this to you?" he asked suddenly. "We have sex and now you want what?"

I swallowed nervously. "Nothing. I don't want anything."

There was silence that seemed to go on for ages.

"Nothing, hmm?" Sebastian mused as he turned away. "Good. That's all you're going to have."

I curled up and quietly sobbed. I was a selfish fool. I shouldn't have hoped... shouldn't have expected anything more for what it was; just a way to satisfy a demonic desire.

Yes, I was a fool, a complete and utter fool for loving him. I loved him so much, it physically hurt. I couldn't even breathe without thinking of him, I couldn't even exist without him crossing my mind. He haunted every action, every thought and feeling. I wanted him to be mine. But...I want him to be happy too. The two things would never go together, would never fit. I could never have both; he didn't even like me, how would he ever be mine? Between tears and silent sobs, I knew that my only purpose would to make Sebastian happy.

I would help him in his revenge.

I would help him find someone new.

I would let him destroy me, imprison me or simply send me away.

And, somehow, I would find peace in the knowledge that he was happy.

Because I love him.

* * *

**_*So, yeah. The bit about Ciel being cold is significant because demons can't usually feel the temperature as I've stated before. I feel like I'm giving away too much but some people don't get hints of things going on when I drop them in._**

**_Anyway, thank you for reading. Review and, I love you guys xxx_**

**_S. _**

**_x_**


	13. Author's note PLEASE READ

**_Ok, I think I need to explain something because, while some of you have clued in, others are just not clicking._**

**_Remember when I _****_described parts of Amy's personality? '_**Amy, a young, charming woman with all the grace and stubbornness that I had once possessed' _**It was a really big give away about how Sebastian feels**_

_**Sebastian fell in love with her**_

_**Someone who reminded him of what Ciel used to be.**_

_**Are you getting it now?**_

_**'**_ beauty, her elegance and wit' _**This is how one would describe Ciel but I used it to describe Amy.**_

**_Conclusion?_**

**_Sebastian _is_ suffering. _**

**_Everything that Sebastian loved about Ciel, as far as Sebastian is concerned, is gone and he found happiness in the one person that possessed all the qualities that had once been Ciel's. When Sebastian tortured Ciel, blaming him for taking Amy, he wasn't just punishing Ciel for killing Amy -which we all know he didn't do, he was also punishing Ciel for taking away 'his Ciel' and everything he loved about 'his Ciel' and all that he missed about 'his Ciel'._**

**_Now, the after sex bit_**

"Exactly what was this to you?" he asked suddenly. "We have sex and now you want what?"

I swallowed nervously. "Nothing. I don't want anything."

There was silence that seemed to go on for ages.

"Nothing, hmm?" Sebastian mused as he turned away. "Good. That's all you're going to have."

**_Some have you have already noticed how Sebastian appeared to be upset by Ciel's 'nothing'. You're right. Sebastian wanted to cuddle as much as Ciel did. That silence? Sebastian turning away? He still wants his master._**

**_He is still suffering._**

**_So, to all those who want Sebastian to suffer, I'm not letting Sebastian off the hook like you all think I am._**

**_He is suffering._**

**_And, actually, he's suffering much more than Ciel is. _****_Ciel has an outlet. Ciel has physical pain to subtract from his emotional pain but Sebastian doesn't have anything like that._**

**_However, Sebastian is not dying. Sebastian thinks that Ciel is only a demonic shell, that his master's soul is gone and everything he loved is gone. His love is not _****_unrequited like Ciel's is. _**

**_His love is dead._**


	14. The Inaccessibility

**_Hey, back to give you lot another chapter. Sorry it took so long. Also, to the person who demanded an unhappy ending, I'm making this up pretty much as I go so don't demand stuff when even I don't know where this is heading._**

* * *

I fell asleep crying and woke only to find I was too exhausted to move. My arms felt heavy and my limbs were like lead. It was so cold. I could feel the chill forming ice and creeping up my very bones and into the very marrow core. I was naked still. Maybe that explained why I was freezing my ass off. Slipping out of bed, I collapsed to the floor with the sheets wrapped around me. The bathroom. I needed to get to the bathroom.

Slowly, I dragged myself with my heavy arms, burning my flesh with the friction between my skin and the carpet. At least it was warm. I hoisted myself up onto the toilet, sitting on the closed lid as I turned on the warm water. The steam filled the room with warmth, allowing some relief from the core chilling cold that had left my insides layered with ice. I pulled myself into the bath with some difficulty and lay in the hot water. My eyelids felt heavy at the warmth that embraced me as I lazily turned off the tap. I struggled to wash myself, thinking only of the bed just in the other room and the... and the... the...

I jolted awake and found myself back in the bed. Frowning, I found I was dry, clothed and clean and so were the bed sheets. I was still cold so I borrowed one of Sebastian's jumpers again, hoping he wouldn't mind. As soon as I was warm, I emerged from room and sought Sebastian who had his nose in a book while messing around with some kind of powder.

"Is that witchcraft?" I asked him as he added some kind of blood to the powder.

"That's close but not quite." Sebastian replied and gestured to the seat opposite him. I sat down as I watched him spit into the mix. "Witchcraft uses human blood and other mortal things for their spells. With this, I am using my own bodily substances as I am immortal. This gives the ...er...'spell', so to speak, more power. This is more DemonCraft than witchcraft, for lack of a better term."

"Why are you using it?"

Sebastian glanced up at me with an unreadable expression. "I'm trying to find a way to bind Claude. There are many ways to bind a demon but none of them last forever so I'm combining them," he explained. "All I need is a demon's heart and a contract rune and then I can complete..."  
"You can use mine."

Sebastian blinked then stared at me for the longest of times as his head tilted to the side. Then, "Is that an order?" I wasn't entirely sure what to say to that but, finally, I just nodded. I didn't have anything left to loose and the contract between us was worth little now. My heart was already his to use and abuse as he saw fit. "You look like death." he commented after a while.

I know I must have looked as annoyed as my tone. "Oh thanks," sarcasm dripped from my tongue easily.

Sebastian chuckled softly and his hand moved as if to touch me but he reached passed me to grab a small packet of powder. My eyes lowered and I huddled into the jumper I wore, the fluffiness helping to sooth my cold body. It smelled like him too which was enjoyable so long as he did not guess my thoughts. We were quiet for a long time as Sebastian messed around with his powders and read through the theories in the books. I remained quiet, just happy to be there in the same room as him, to be accepted as someone who was allowed to be in his presence.

"I did look for you." Sebastian commented after a long moment. He glanced at me and saw my confusion. "When you left me and Amy, I did look for you." he looked away. "Because you're my master, obviously." he shifted. "And Amy insisted... to her, you were just a little kid so..." he cleared his throat and began to pack his things away. "Well that should do it." he stood up and put the ingredients away. Sebastian glanced at me when he was done, "So Claude still wants you even though your soul is... inaccessible?"

I nodded.

"Then you're perfect bate," he replied as he began shoving knives into a bag. "Why does he want you anyway? If he can't have your soul anymore then what does he want?" he didn't really seem to be asking me, more talking out loud to perhaps make sense of his thoughts. "To get pay-back because he can't have your soul? He'd come after me... Or Hannah. Why you?"

I answered him anyway. "He wants my body." I explained.

Sebastian halted then stared at me for a long while. "Your body?"

I nodded, shifting from one foot to the other. "While I was talking to him, he mentioned our time together but the way he said it seemed to be commenting on the sex we had wh-"

"WHAT?"

The anger in Sebastian's voice startled me but then I understood. I belonged to Sebastian through the contract and Sebastian didn't like the idea of anyone touching his prey. "He convinced me that you had killed my family and that you were the one lying to me, Sebastian. It wasn't hard to convince me to sleep with him to get back at you."

His hands balled into fists. "We have a contract that says you are mine."

"My soul, yeah."

"No," Sebastian snapped. "All of you. You were _mine_. No one was to touch... you were defiled. You let that...that _thing_ dirty you with his essence..." He grabbed me and pushed me against the wall. "You _were __mine_."

The next thing I knew, his mouth was on mine and we were ripping off each other's clothes. We didn't even make it to the stairs as we tumbled onto the coffee table. It broke beneath our weight but I didn't care and Sebastian didn't seem bothered either. I groaned as he shoved himself deep inside me, thrusting in widely as he gripped my hair. He bit my neck, the sharp pain making me cry out but I can't deny I enjoyed it. "Sebastian..."

"Mine..."

I gasped as his hips moved faster, slamming into mine. "Yes!"

"Mine..."

Pleasure forced me to arch into him, my eyes closing though I tried to keep them open just to gaze up at him. He thrust in harder, my cries getting louder but he just kept repeating that one word over and over as my toes curled and I called for him.

"Mine."

I came with a cry as he released inside of me, each of us panting as his lips scattered kisses over my skin. It was time I gave an answer:

"Always."


	15. The Hurt

**_Ok, most of you are ok but some -one or two- of you are still being a bit dickish to Sebastian and it's not nice. He IS suffering, guys. So, with that and because someone requested it, I've got a Seb POV thing going on in this chapter._**

**_Also, smut because who needs a reason?_**

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"Sebastian..."

He was inside the younger again, thrusting, touching, feeling and kissing. Sweat coated their bodies as their hips rocked together slow but each shove forward was hard, forcing mewls of pleasure from the smaller demon that lay beneath him. Their hands ran over one another, fingers and nails digging into flesh. Clothing had long been discarded and bite marks littered the younger's skin. Their mouths brushed against one another's, lips parting as their tongues pressed together as surely as their bodies did.

Hot pain burned in the elder's chest and his eyes stung. He parted from the kiss, his head resting in the nape of the demonling's neck as their hips rocked together faster. "Mine..." he murmured, his voice failing him. His hand gripped the soft rear of his lover, shoving in as deep as he could as the young demon beneath him cried out.

"Sebastian..."

They climaxed together, both moaning and trembling as they lay there for a while. The elder pulled out and got up, leaving the younger to stare after him with those oh-so familiar large mismatched eyes. The older demon went into the bathroom, cleaning up and splashed water on his face before he emerged only to find the boy still staring after him. "What?" he demanded coldly and watched as the smaller flinched. Guilt twinged in his chest but he shook it off. His Ciel wasn't there, not in there. The boy that lay in his bed didn't pulse with the same passion as his Ciel, didn't thrum with the same defiant energy, didn't vibrate with the same soul.

"Nothing," He mumbled, curling up under the sheets. His skin was bruised and covered with bites, all delivered by their activities of the afternoon.

The demon made his way down the stairs and sat himself down on the sofa. All the promises he made just to let Ciel down. Ciel had believed in him but now Sebastian was broken. He had nothing left. All he could feel was this cruel wanting. Ciel was here but he was not. One day, perhaps he wouldn't feel this pain anymore but this shadow of Ciel wouldn't let him go, wouldn't stop haunting him. They had been falling in love all that time and now... he was lost in misery.

Alone.

He keeled over as a wave of emotion shook him, his chest tightening as his eyes watered. "Stupid..." he sobbed, wiping his eyes furiously. He wasn't weak, damn it. No one was going to make him weep like that again. Like when Ciel left. Amy had held him but she hadn't understood. That shell, the demon, was all that was left of his Ciel and it had wandered off, leaving him with nothing, not even a reminder, of the small earl he had loved and tended to so dearly. Then Amy had slipped from his life just as easily, Amy who had so many traits of his demanding young master. "I'm sorry..." he whispered into darkness, hoping his Ciel would hear him from heaven. "I'm sorry I couldn't protect you."

With a mournful sigh, Sebastian got up and composed himself. Quietly, he made his way back up stairs and slipped into bed with the sleeping demon. For a long while, he allowed himself simply to gaze at the tired face of his charge as the boy slept soundly. He brushed the young one's hair from his face, careful not to wake him. "I would have given you everything," he whispered and pressed his lips to the pretender's forehead. "If you had only been him inside as well as out."

He left the room, letting the boy simply sleep.


	16. The Sacrifice

********It all went round in circles. We would talk, make love then he would leave me there like an old discarded toy once he was done with me. It hurt more than it probably should have but, the problem was, for the time we spent with our bodies as one, tangled together in a web of lust and passion, I spent pretending he loved me. When the sex ended, so did that pretence and I was left alone and unloved once again.

The days grew infinitely colder and soon I had to wear more than just a jumper. I had to wear an entire outfit just to keep warm. I was surprised when it didn't start snowing. Sebastian, however, did allow me to put on the heating. The warm clothing itched sometimes and irritated the bites Sebastian left, each one I cherished as a reminder of our intimate moments. Our time was limited now. I knew he would kill me when he ripped out my heart and tore out my contract eye. Well, not knew. Hoped. I had nothing to live for except the brief moments where I could delude myself into believing the impossible and those were not enough. I couldn't spend forever in a world of make-believe, lying to myself. It would only drive me to insanity.

"Are you ready?"

The words were whispered in through the cold, damp darkness, the black candles yet to be lit. We were somewhere underground, deep in a long forgotten chamber that had long been sealed off because of the dangers of tunnel collapsed but we were demons. We feared so little and tunnels were not one of the few that left us quaking like a child in the dead of night. If a demon were to be asked what they feared, they would not tell for their fear was the most humane part of them; above all else, a demon fears to live forever alone in the dark with their screams of hurt, loneliness and madness. Some avoid this by living alone, building up their walls so that the pain did not reach their black, corrupt soul and some avoid this by clinging to others like a child. Some, however, had made peace that everyone ends up alone.

Silently we readied our chamber for the ritual in the hopes of binding Claude.

The star on the floor had been painted with goat's blood sacrificed on a new moon. I had done the deed myself and I did not feel an exhilarating rush at killing the creature as I would have had I been human. Instead I just felt... hollow. Empty. I didn't morn the death of the goat, I just didn't care. It was horrible. Part of me wondered if it was because it was part of preparing me for my death that would be upon me soon.

I did not fear Death. I welcomed him with open arms. I just feared dying without being finally loved in this world. I feared what would happen after I was gone. Would I finally find peace or would I just be erased from the world. The selfish part of me hoped Sebastian would remember and think of me fondly.

I let him tie me up on a metal carving of the star on the floor, watching as Sebastian chanted and scattered various herbs and such over the area. I felt my heart race in my chest. It was happening. Sebastian hoist the metal pentagram over the painted one in blood. Being hung in the air like this was uncomfortable and incredibly daunting; I knew what was would happen. I knew I would be sacrificed to contain Claude, so Sebastian could find happiness without that thing trying to bury him in misery. Part of me was proud that I was being allowed to do this much to help Sebastian, part of me was terrified.

Beneath me, the candles burst into flame and the black wax melted, dripping onto the floor and seeping into the dirt. Such a little distraction but I needed them. I could see the knife in Sebastian's hand from the corner of my eye no matter how much I tried not to look, no matter how much I told myself it wasn't there. I could feel my heart racing in my chest and my eyes became hot and blurred with tears. I was scared. So very scared.

Claude was forced to appear, trapped in the centre of the star. Confusion decorated his fine features then anger twisted it, deformed those golden eyes. "Michaelis." he hissed viciously but Sebastian paid no mind.

Then... pain.

White hot agony burst through my senses. I could feel the cold, sharp blade carving through my flesh then the warmth of Sebastian's hand in my chest. I yelped his he reached his goal then tore out his prize. There, beating in the palm of his hand, was my heart.

And the world burns black.

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**_Hey you sexy things. Yeah, I have another chapter for you. No, not the final one. I think there will be another couple before I end this. Meh. I felt so mean after writing this one D: I know cliffhangers kind of suck lol Anyway, please review. Pretty please x_**

**_S._**

**_x_**


	17. The Void

_**I'm way too nice to you guys. Ok, here's another chapter. Please, please review.**_

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It was strange.

I was somewhere. Somewhere falling and spinning and hurtling into the nothingness with all the speed of a rocket but the aggression of a petal.

Then it just... stopped.

No up or down, no reason or real atmosphere. I was just nowhere. Lost in the breath of eternity as I felt the weaving fabrics of consciousness stirring within my mind, a sudden sense of serenity. Everything just seemed so unimportant, so scentless and mundane, so senseless and irrational.

I began to wonder why I was here, why I was floating around on the edge of oblivion, so close to drifting away into the empty void of darkness where shadows of ice threatened to consume anyone who slipped into their embrace. I was so ready to go. I could remember nothing more than this, than simply existing in this tranquil silence, this gush of nothingness and colour.

I was content here, content to remain in this quiet hushed whisper of an existence. I knew I would never be bored for I knew for this moment nothing of games nor of any other entertainment beside the colours that flew pass in every direction, in every speed. I was at peace here in the depths of the hollow empty nullity, free from pain and despair and hurt.

What was pain?

_Sebastian_.

What was despair.

_Sebastian_.

What was hurt?

_Sebastian_.

And then I knew once again pain and despair and hurt. That one name, that one being sparked memories of the grief I suffered at his hand. Oh the agony of this bitter love that had consumed me. Shadows had fallen and my hope had fled. The dark had come and I was alone now, alone and useless. I had little to give and had been given nothing to offer. I had bestowed my very heart upon the only person that had ever owned it and he had only returned the favour through the torment of pain... and the knowledge he would never allow me his own.

_Sebastian_.

Was this hell then? This empty vast of nothingness? Was I dead and doomed only to remember? I had done nothing but love and love and love while the world threw death and hurt and lies. It felt like the universe was laughing at me, playing a rotten joke and I was the punchline; me who had fallen in love with a creature from hell.

Laugh at me then.

Laugh at the child who had lost it all, family and friends and fortune. What was I now that I had lost so much and forsaken heaven because of the pain God let me suffer. Laugh at me now, child, mock me and scorn me for now I am demon kind, demon forced to live and die without love nor affection. Laugh. Go ahead and laugh, I dare you! What matter is it if I cry? What matters now? Just laugh... just... just laugh.

"Sebastian..." I floated aimlessly, mourning the loss of those ruby red eyes that had gazed down at me, once with so much wonder and want but that faded until those red eyes became dull like red sand. No glimmer or glitter, no spark as there once had been. "Sebastian..." I knew I should not have been calling for him, knew it was pointless to plead to a devil who would never come and save him from this void even if he could. "Sebastian..."

"Ciel," a whisper invokes my name and fills me with such warmth that I was sure that it had all been in my head. I could feel warmth surrounding me like arms, slowly coaxing but I was not sure why. Then I realized that I had my eyes closed. Why did I see colours? Why did they linger when all other matter did not?

Strange. So very strange.

After what I was sure was an eternity, I mustered the strength to open my eyes.


	18. The Screams

Yellow eyes watched in horror as the bade carved into the flesh of the boy he had desired for so long, his soul and his body. Blood gushed from the wound and then the crow demon's hand slid up into the rip cage and ripped out the still pimping heart. The heart was placed in a bowl at the head of one of the five points of the pentagram.

"What are you doing," Claude hissed, suddenly terrified. His expression remained as impassive as usual.

More blood was drawn from the unconscious being hanging above as the knife carved into the socket of the contract eye, removing it as the demonling bled out above. It was placed on another point of the pentagram then Sebastian grabbed a bottle of water, rosary beads floating inside. The spider gulped nervously as the crow uncapped the water bottle then threw the content over Claude.

"With this circle, I bind you." Sebastian murmured only not in the languages we know. Sebastian spoke in the dead languages of the oldest demons, the languages once spoken by the angels at the hight of their power. "Within the holy, I bind you." His voice was soft, downed out by the screams of the spider he was binding as light twisted around his slender body then ripped away the faux guise of butler to reveal the monstrosity of Claude's true form; the torso similar to a man though jet black and covered in short black hairs which led down to the rear of a spider, all eight legs scuttling around, trying to escape the circle. The pentagram illuminated a bright blue light, the contract eye and the heart becoming one with the cage forming around the creature that was being imprisoned. Powerless, the demon had no choice but to watch in horror as he was bound eternally. "You should have know the price of messing with me. It's your fucking nightmare, is it not, Araneae?" he asked with a smirk. "To be bound, lost and forgotten. Hear me now, brother, I will forget you. I push you into the void between realms that you may never escape your prison and then I will forget you."

"No..."

"This was inevitable. You know I would find a way the moment you took everything away from me." he hissed viciously, his eyes flashing that demonic red. "You will not take what is mine again, brother. You will not take Ciel away from me. He is mine!"

Multiple dead eyes gazed at Sebastian with something like amusement. "So you figured it out," the spider whispered with a soft hissing to his voice, venom dripping from his fangs. "You felt his soul thrum through him when you reached in for his heart." he chuckled, low and cold. "After everything you did to him and he had his soul all along." That distorted, fanged mouth twisted into a smirk. "I may be trapped forever in this cage but you, Corvus, you have trapped yourself in a cage of guilt. You always were too close to humanity." He laughed spitefully. With an enraged caw, Sebastian shoved the cage into the empty void between the realms.

The crow demon turned his attentions to the boy who's body had already begun healing as Sebastian knew it would. He untied Ciel, careful not to disturb the heart that was regrowing* in Ciel's chest as well as the eye behind those closed lids. Stroking the hair from Ciel's face, Sebastian carried the boy home where he proceeded to clean the dirt from the demonling's wounds. There was so much blood, so much. Had Ciel been human then there would have been no chance of survival but Ciel was not human any longer. He would live.

With tender motions, Sebastian cleaned the boy up and dressed him in warm clothes. "What have I done to you," he whispered and pressed his lips to the younger's forehead. He withdrew slowly and touched the younger's baby soft cheek. "Ciel," he murmured as if to wake the boy but it was not time; he had yet to heal fully.

"Sebastian..." the boy mumbled in reply as he slumbered. "'bastian..."

Sebastian chuckled quietly. "After all this and you still only call out for me, my master. You're hopeless. Completely hopeless." his smile faded. "Sleep. I'll be here. You're never going to be alone again. If I had known... if I had just realized... I'm so sorry."

Hours seemed to roll by like days or months or years as Sebastian waited for the small bundle on his bed to heal and waken. Then, at long last, those long, heavy lashes fluttered to reveal a pair of bright, sapphire blue eyes. "Sebastian?" Ciel mumbled, confused by his own awakening. Sebastian had taken to lying down beside the younger having grown weary of sitting or standing while he waited for the younger to reawaken. He took Ciel's hand and the boy turned his head to look at the elder demon. "Sebastian... Wha- Am I not dead?"

"No." He chuckled, looking slightly amused. "There is only a select few ways a demon could die and simply ripping out your beating heart is not going to work."

"Why not?"

"It's in out DNA to survive. We have evolved so such simplistic methods have little affect." He explained as he ran his fingers up and down Ciel's thigh, making the boy blush. "There was a time when I would not have mind you demise, my lord, for I thought you long dead already. Forgive me for that error?"

"You hurt me."

Sebastian nodded. "I know. I...am sorry."

"You beat me... tortured me..." his lower lip trembled and his eyes filled with tears. "I was scared. I was so scared. I didn't want to be alone... you were all I had, all I knew and you discarded me like I was yesterday's news paper. You betrayed me. You left me weak and crippled and... I was ready to die for you, ready to sacrifice myself and even in that I failed to find peace. I just... I don't want to be alone anymore."

Sebastian gathered the younger into his arms and held him close, stroking his hair as he let Ciel cling to him as he wept. "You won't be alone," Sebastian reassured him. "I'll protect you. I won't ever hurt you again. I swear."

Ciel looked up at him with those watery blue eyes. "But... the contract is gone."

"It is," Sebastian agreed and pressed a kiss to those soft, sweet lips. Ciel felt himself relaxing into his lover, kissing him in return as Sebastian touched him. Tender caresses ran across skin as their kiss became more heated. Clothes were slowly pealed away as Ciel was set on his back, Sebastian's body between his legs as their groins pressed together.

"Sebastian..."  
The demon in question began to push himself into the smaller body, causing low mewls and pleas as their hips rocked together, gradually building into a faster pace. His hips snapped back and forth, harder and harder as Ciel squirmed and moaned in ecstasy beneath the elder of the two lovers. "Ahh...ah..." the boy gasped as his hips bucked up needily, pleasure trembling through his body as the two clung to one another. They orgasmed with their own sounds of pleasure but they did not part, clinging to one another.

Never again would they be alone.

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The void has a different construct of time and the veil between the void and the mortal realm has its weak spots in the complex fabric of time, the rules of such a concept being non-existent in the void. Trapped in his cage, Claude managed to cling to a weak spot, calling for help. Centuries had passed in his cage in the void and the spider's sanity had never been entirely there. Now he had lost his mind, his screams being his only company as he tried to reach through to the mortal world, hoping someone would save him.

_November, 1652,_

_Dear Diary,_

_ We camped outside the cave by the forest not too far from the Village. The folk warned us of the screaming man who haunts these parts, who lingers in the dark and calls from the shadows. There are many rumours and superstitions surrounding the man, all assuming that he was a traveller who was murdered. Some say he was murdered by a brother, tortured before being killed which is why he keeps screaming, reliving his pain every night. Some say he screams, hoping for help to find peace while others believe he was the victim of a monster, still running away from the beast even in death. But I don't feel the presence of a ghost. _

_No tingling down the spine, no cold spots._

_I regret now exploring that cave, finding the offerings and notes left by the Villagers in their desperation. Even some sacrificed animals and human children had been left as offerings, all attached to a note. The same note over and over again, all by different people, different hand writing, different ways to say it by the plea is always the same._

_'For the love of God, stop screaming'_

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**_*In chapter five, I think it was, Ciel cut off his tongue and it regrew. Hands up who didn't put two and two together?_**

**_Hey guys. Almost finished with this now. I know, it's sad. Thanks to everyone who stuck to it for this long. You're the reason I keep writing :D Also, to the person who wants Sebastian to suffer, did you not read my author's note? Go back and read it. I don't write those things for no reason!_**


	19. The End?

_**Sorry this took so long, I've been busy. I'm debating whether or not to do another chapter. I think it's done but we can have a nice little tidy bow if the popular vote demands it xxx**_

_**S**_

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It was incredibly confusing when Sebastian stayed after sex, just holding me tight in his arms like I had often imagined. He whispered such tender things in my ear, soothing me until I fell asleep only to wake with him there still. His fingers ran across my skin, brushing over bruises and other such blemishes. I looked up only to find him sobbing, his eyes filled with guilt and shame. His lips met mine and I returned the kiss, feeling his desperation in the way his mouth moved almost forcefully against mine.

"Forgive me..." he breathed between kisses. "Forgive me, my master, forgive me please..."

I could not answer, instead kissing him to silence his pleas. This is what I had longed for; his love and desire, for him to need and want me as much as I did him. Alas part of me would always hurt, would always be afraid until he could prove to me that it would never happen again. I would forgive him in time, I knew that, but I would never forget what he put me through. I knew now the pain he suffered, the thoughts that consumed him when my soul was locked away, and that was enough to appease any desire for revenge.

Besides, I love him. Even if he did not suffer, even if he didn't feel guilty, even then I would forgive him eventually. It had been decades that my longing for him had plagued me; did you really think that now I had what I wanted most in the world, I would throw it all away just to see him suffer? I am selfish and self centred. I have what I want now. I have Sebastian and I have no desire to let go of that. So yeah, he hurt me and abused me and, yes, part of me would like to give as good as I got but what would that achieve except to drive away the only person I have ever needed? How foolish would I have to be, how insane would I have to be to trade the love and comfort I have needed for so long for some meaningless act of revenge?

Guilt ridden, Sebastian was curiously attentive just as he had been as a butler. He took joy in feeling me just as he had the first time he fed me my first soul and he was delighted when I allowed him to dress me, taking any opportunity to get me or see me naked. He was never far away, always close enough to touch. I think he was afraid I'd disappear if left unattended.

He took every opportunity to spoil me and make me happy. He even redecorated the entire house because I happened to mention that I wasn't fond of the wallpaper in the bedroom. Sebastian was going a little over the top out of guilt and I... Ok, I loved it. I loved the attention, the gifts and the constant touching. We rarely spoke of his abusive behaviour towards me for all those years, Sebastian was trying to distract me from the painful memories of neglect with kisses and sex, but it was always there in the things he did. He was riddled with guilt and, how could I forgive what he did if he won't forgive himself?

Despite Sebastian's clear over-compensating for everything, things were going incredibly well. I was safe and happy and so was Sebastian during the brief moments he wasn't tormenting himself over his own stupidity. I wondered if he mourned for Amy and we visited her grave once, giving Sebastian a chance to say good-bye now that we had avenged her. He placed yellow roses on her gave and we left without so much as a glance back. I think he regrets her death but he doesn't seem to be as sad any more. Perhaps because he had the revenge he needed. Or, perhaps, because he now has me.

"I love you," he murmured as I curled up in his arms, drowsy and content with my arm hooked around his waist. I felt his lips press against my forehead and a sleepy smile tugged at my mouth as I snuggled closer. Fingers ran through my hair soothingly as I found peace in Sebastian's arms. "Will you marry me?" he whispered.

I let put a tired groan. "Ask me in the morning."


	20. Review Replies 'cause so many have asked

_**I just wanted to answer some reviews because people won't come out and say what they think on their own accounts which would be easier since I could just direct a message to them to explain myself.**_

_**I was asked about was just give out the hints you were supposed to find; yeah, I should have let you all figure it out on your own. I'm just much too nice to you guys.**_

_**I was also told off by many about the taking Sebby back even after everything.**_

_**This fic isn't truly about Sebastian and Ciel; it's about me and my need to express my own pain the only way I could without resorting back to cutting. I needed an outlet for everything that's going on in my life, my friends have hurt me and my step father has destroyed my family. I just needed some way of letting all that hurt out and so I decided to write this.**_

_**It's not supposed to be realistic or practical. It's not even supposed to be good. It's about me and the abuse I suffer at the hands of those I love because they don't understand me and the betrayal I suffered and how, despite it all, I have always found it in myself to forgive them. **_

_**However, not this time. I can't forgive them anymore.**_

_**This didn't show in the fanfic because I just want my own happily ever after. I want my friends back, I want to be with them again, I want to be happy. While I can never forgive them for everything they've done and for hurting me like they did, I needed to end this with a happy ending because I have to believe everything turns out ok in the end.**_


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